I’m desperate… numb… broken… Kinda funny how God keeps using my physical circumstances to bring me to His throne of Grace and allow me to apply it to every area of my life…
Pain takes us to a point of desperation. DESPERATION is only a place to start… It is where God thrives because I acknowledge that I am POWERLESS, but HE is POWERFUL.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24
“I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way. In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life. I cry to you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’ Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need, rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.”
Psalm 142
When I am desperate in life, I’m discovering that I am exactly where God wants me. For when I am desperate, I am completely dependent on Christ.
Failure constantly chases me. Failure to be a good Christ-follower. Failure to be a good wife. Failure to be a good mom. Failure to perform well at my job. Failure to provide for my family’s daily needs from me. Failure to make the right choice moment by moment. Failure to be who I expect myself to be. Failure to be how I perceive others expect me to be. Failure to make my computer work when I want it too… I know you understand what I’m saying.
God is taking me to the deepest parts of myself and literally tearing down strongholds that I didn’t even know were there. It is as though He is tearing me down to my foundation in order to rebuild me and make me stronger. But, I must be honest in saying that the process is hard. I hold on to hope, knowing that all of this is temporary, and I am DESPERATELY clinging to my Savior. The only reason I am this transparent about what God is taking me through is because I feel it is an act of obedience towards Him. Transparency is actually how He has called me to worship Him during this time.
Not sure if any of you have ever been inside an actual tornado, but I often think of the movie Twister when one of the main characters sees that the tornado is coming and they are in the barn surrounded by knives, pitch forks, and all kinds of things that could kill them. And in desperation, attach their hands to a pipe that is deeply rooted into the ground. Now, I realize that is just a movie, but I think it’s a great example to Believers. We are surrounded by things that can destroy us — physically, emotionally, spiritually… and as the tornados of life come and demolish everything that we know, we find ourselves clinging to what will hold us down — for me, that is my faith in Jesus Christ.
I am afraid of the sin patterns that are so easily set as my default settings in life. I don’t want to surrender to the “Sin that so easily entangles me.” (Hebrews 12:1) My thoughts cripple and destroy me to the core. My performance and expectations so easily corrupt my mind, motives and actions.
For God did not give us a spirit of fear,
but of power and love and sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
I never realized that in the midst of OUTWARDLY serving and doing and giving that my thoughts and performance-based living were tearing me down, destroying me and having victory.
I have allowed what I THOUGHT other people THINK
of me to RULE and DIRECT my every move.
Some would call this people pleasing. And, yes, I know MANY of you already know I struggle with this. It’s an addiction — a lie that will destroy you. People pleasing is no different that injecting heroine or any other addiction. People pleasing, just like any addiction or sin results in losing your identity, purpose and grit. I have been allowing other people who are sinners just like me to rule and control my identity. (More on this in another post…)
God is revealing to me so much of how I have been deceived. And it’s so easy to get caught up in pleasing others… But God is the true victor.
2 Corinthians 10:1-6 Paul writes,
By the humility and gentleness of Christ, I appeal to you—I, Paul, who am “timid” when face to face with you, but “bold” toward you when away! I beg you that when I come I may not have to be as bold as I expect to be toward some people who think that we live by the standards of this world. For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.
As I stated earlier, I am writing this out of obedience. No confession of sin is easy, but it is necessary.
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point
of shedding your blood. And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
Hebrews 12:4-13
In one of my earlier posts entitled “Broken,” I said;
” I serve a loving God, but somewhere along the way I think that I started giving and serving and doing and missing out on Truth. I’ve been focusing on serving everyone around me, but not serving my God first — allowing Him to be my strength and my purpose. And now as I have been forced to STOP EVERYTHING due to my broken back, I FINALLY was able to see that.”
I have been off-balance. I am so thankful that God loves me enough to show me the patterns I am following that are not in line with Him. I see God’s hand upon me. I feel the healing that is not only taking place for me physically, but also spiritually and in my marriage. I praise God for that.
All this crap I’m going through isn’t in vain! YAY! But I acknowledge that I am powerless, and I serve a POWERFUL God who tears down strongholds that I allowed into my life — that only cause weakness — and He rebuilds me in His image, His strength and His “power is made perfect through [my] weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1-4
Here’s my heart, Lord. Speak what is true. Cause I am found, I am Yours. I am loved. I’m made pure. I have life. I can breath. I am healed. I am free. Cause you are strong. You are sure. You are life. You endure. You are good. Always true. You are light breaking through. You are more than enough. You are here. You are Lord. You are hope. You are grace. You’re all I have. You’re everything. Here’s my heart, Lord.(Words by Jason Ingram)