This is IT! It’s here… It has officially been one year since my horse accident which resulted in a broken back, but more importantly it was just the beginning of ME being crushed in every way.
I woke up early, picked up 40 bails of hay from the supplier and set off for the barn in Wylie to unload. It was a sunny day.
Unloaded the hay, brushed and cleaned the horses. And decided to use an old saddle and take Holly for a ride… when she started bucking, I could tell something wasn’t right…
It happened so quick, but in slow-motion… I leaned and grabbed the top rail of the fence and pulled myself off as the horse was jumping and bucking along the side. In my mind when I was planning the escape route, but that didn’t really work out. My arm and my ribs hit the fence, and then my butt hit the ground. I immediately hopped up and was ticked off. I ran over to the horse, but as soon as I took my first step towards the horse I could tell I was hurt, but I didn’t say anything.
I later discovered that the girth strap that went underneath the horse had snapped and was broken — which is why I could tell something was wr
ong when she bucked.
My body was in shock and I didn’t stop. I kept moving and doing.
I finished cleaning the horse stables and putting new wood chips on the floors. THEN loaded up and started driving back to Sunnyvale to return the trailer.
Driving was hard. Pushing the break was almost impossible. Moving my arms was even harder. I was in such an incredible amount of pain that I couldn’t even talk about it. I knew I had a few broken ribs and I couldn’t wait to get home. When I arrived in Sunnyvale I couldn’t think straight, but I knew I had to back the trailer in to where it was stored. For those of you who have never driven a trailer, you have to move your arms and use the brake a lot when backing in… I called my sister who lived nearby and asked her to come and help. We got the trailer parked and I drove home.
Once home, I didn’t stop… I decided to clean because I knew the next day I wouldn’t be able to move… so I swept the kitchen floor, mopped, made dinner… and never sat down so that hopefully I would not feel how much pain I was in. (Such an example of how I live and never stop, so that I don’t feel the pain I’m in…)
I never called Eric about the accident that had occurred earlier in the day. He found out when he came home. The emotions from the day finally hit me and all I could do was cry in his arms.
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THE EFFECT
Wow. I still just can’t put into words how awesome God has been through this past year. I have tasted and experience what my life is be like when if I chose to live in my own strength rather than Christ.
I went from marathon runner, triathlete-training-super-mom, full time care-giver to my father-in-law who was suicidal and struggled with dementia, servant-minded-person, worship leader, business-owner-career-girl, happy family that has it all together… To being told by the back surgeon that I may never run again… The blinders were lifted and I saw my life for what it really was…My marriage was falling apart, my kids falling apart due to a broken home, my company falling apart, my identity as a singer/worship leader not a reality… The darkness was brought to light in an instant. God crushed the blinders I was viewing life through.
Now I have experienced life in a wheelchair and a walker, to not be able to hold up a folder of music or a microphone, to be in constant pain, to have my legs on fire due to nerve damage… I could go on, but that’s only the physical inconvenience of my injury. God broke me far more that my mere bones.
“It was good for me to be afflicted
so that I might learn your decrees.” Psalms 119:71
You see, I had been living out of my own strength, serving out of my own strength, and thus placing idol upon idol in front of Christ. My thought life corrupted me. I believed the lie that my value and worth came from what I did and what others thought of me, rather than Christ. I served to get credit — to win approval from people in authority… many of us do this. When doing this, we are making those people an idol because we want to please them first rather than our Savior and Creator. This struggle is something that I am ashamed to admit and truly have to be BROKEN from — daily.
I’ve grown up in church. I prayed and accepted Christ as my Savior and Lord at the age of eight. Due to the of the death of my six-year old sister, I grew up in a home that CLUNG to Jesus and pointed me to Him in all things. I’ve had an awesome, loving family that all live for Christ. (Me and my family have also had a very trying time over the past few years, but that’s a testimony for another day). I’ve served in church constantly my entire life. I’ve led worship, been on life-changing mission trips, led bible school, kids choir, chapel, helped with weddings, events and so much more, but at some point in my journey I let a little lie settle in my mind… the lie that if I do things right, serve enough, then I will win the approval of people – and all that “serving and doing” grew to form my identity. That identity became an idol in my life.
To be completely honest right now, I’m scared to admit the following testimony of my life because I now battle with the lie that if I confess this publicly, then that will end my opportunity to serve in the church from now on — to sing, to share, to serve and point other to Christ.
When my back broke I decided that I wanted to be tough, have it all together, appear as though I’m strong in my faith, not need anyone or anything — even though physically I shouldn’t have even been walking, I continued trying to function as normal. I kept telling myself, “You are strong. You can do this.” But I was constantly being defeated, with every step I took.
You see, I’m a fighter. I hate weakness. To me weakness meant not being able to take care of things that need to be done. Weakness meant being needy. Weakness meant not being able to take care of myself. Weakness was admitting I needed help. Weakness was not being in control.
I broke my back, 2 ribs, tore my sciatic nerve, had a bulging disc, injured my arm and shoulder very badly…. But I wasn’t willing to admit my body was broken… I thought to myself, “The accident happened so fast and didn’t seem to be that bad… so why am I still hurting and why is it getting worse?”
FOR ONE MONTH I tried to continue and tell myself to shake it off. It took one month for me to go to the hospital and get an x-ray and be told how broken I was. I didn’t listen to the screaming pain. I pushed through it.
That’s not tough. That’s stupid.
When I found out how broken my body really was, that’s when God spoke to my heart and said, “This is a physical example of your spiritual walk with me.” … But still I didn’t want to completely believe Him.
I was walking, serving and doing and it’s all been out of my own strength! I wanted to look good to others. I was spiritually BLEEDING. The wounds that I was walking and serving in were crippling me — not helping me or anyone else. And my PRIDE and my own “toughness” blinded me from seeing Truth.
The weeks that followed are a blur… Eric and I went with our church choir to New York City and sang in Carnegie Hall and with Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. I didn’t do pain killers or anything during that trip so that I could be somewhat myself. –Again, I didn’t want to look “broken.” I had to appear that I had it all together… The first evening, I slipped down stairs while we were in New York that resulted in me having to break down and be in a wheel chair for the remainder of the trip. I was humiliated because I was in front of my peers and was weak and needy… I tried so hard to seek the Lord during that time, but my own selfishness and pride continued to blind my relationship and worship of Christ. God still had more work to do on me and I didn’t want to deal with it or face it…
As my physical and emotional pain increased, I pulled away from most people. I turned to alcohol, pain killers or anything I could get my hands on to numb the pain.
In addition to the physical pain I was living in, Eric and I were fighting. Truth be known, we’d been having trouble in our marriage for a while, but I was never willing to outwardly admit how desperatly in trouble our marriage really was. We were so busy running a company, singing and rehearsing, taking care of his dad, our kids and everyone else that we lost touch with each other. We fought over finances, our company, the horse, his dad, the kids, his needs, my needs — you name it, we fought over it. We didn’t know how to handle the conflict that had overtaken our world. But when we had an audience, we looked like we were a happy couple.
Eric and I both turned to other people to meet the emotional need we were not finding in each other which resulted in an emotional affairs. However, neither of us were willing to admit or confess at that time that we were emotionally dependent on someone else. The fighting and arguing continued and one night, after being accused of having an affair I left Eric. I told him, “I can’t live like THIS any more.”
I packed up the kids and we went to my parents house.
Eric stayed at our home with his dad (who lives lives with us and witnessed the entire meltdown).
After the kids and I were out the door, Eric’s dad turned to him and said, “There’s always more fish in the sea, son.” Disgusted with the advice Eric’s dad gave him, Eric went to our room, sat on the bed and cried. He had hit rock bottom. He questioned his life, why he was alive, thought that everyone would be better if he was dead — and then he pulled out his gun. He put his gun in his mouth and contemplated pulling the trigger. He reached out to one of his best friends for help, but before his friend arrived at our house, my dad called Eric on his cell phone. My dad asked Eric to come over to their house.
When Eric arrived, my parents sat us down at the dining room table. We were both broken. We didn’t know how to fix the mess we were in. There were no words that could be said to fix the situation at that moment.
My dad started praying.
Prayer is the best thing to do when there are no words that can be said… when you have hit rock bottom and continued to dig an even bigger hole down… In that moment prayer and hope were what Eric and I needed.
My parents couldn’t fix our situation. Only God could. My dad reached out to a friend, Dewey Wilson for help. We scheduled a time to meet with him and then we all departed our ways for the night.
The following day, I went to our office. I worked. I didn’t want the office to know what was going on and I didn’t want Eric to give up on the company we built.
When Eric saw me walk into our office he said that it gave him hope. Me coming to work the next day — in his mind — was me saying we aren’t over.
I stayed at my parents house for about 3 or 4 nights and then we returned home. The hardest part of separating was seeing how damaging it was for our kids… I will write about what they had to endure one day.
We ended our relationships with the people we were leaning on for emotional support. We started meeting with Dewey Wilson of Strong Marriages. We also started attending Re|Engaged at Watermark. We both committed to putting Christ FIRST in our minds and hearts.
Since we were currently on the “injured” list at our church where we sang and served, we decided to check out Watermark on a Sunday mornings. It was so nice to go there and be unknown. The sermon series they had just began was entitled “Head, Heart, Hands.” And the scriptures used in that series were exactly what God was teaching me in my time alone with Him. It was as though the Lord was confirming all He was teaching me in my quiet time.
On one particular Sunday they did the Lord’s Supper. In the past, Eric and I usually have been on the stage serving in the worship time during the Lord’s Supper — helping create a worshipful environment for people as they reflect and get their hearts right before the Lord, but we never sat and took time for us to do that and therefore missed out on truly taking part… When we went to Watermark, they had a prayer guide of scripture to pray over your Head, Heart and Hands. I was brought to tears when the person leading the service stepped off the stage and joined his family on the floor and started praying. Usually when the speaker steps down, that’s when the lights fade and the intro music to some amazing worship song begins… but no! The only music heard was an auditorium filled with people praying and seeking God. The praise band on the stage sat off to the side in a circle and they were praying together.
This was so foreign to me. Yes, I realize how pathetic I probably sound! But I’ve never been somewhere that did the Lord’s Supper like that. Eric and I scooted into a circle with a few other people around us and we all shared a little of our story and we prayed over each other and over ourselves. It was at that service that I rededicated my life to Christ. It was also at that service that Eric and I publicly — in front of a couple of strangers in our circle (who ended up being Re|Engaged Leaders, Jeff and Vicky) got our head, heart and hands right with God together and truly wanted redemption in our lives and marriage…. I no longer wanted to live, serve and perform for anyone other than CHRIST-JESUS. And I didn’t want to have a self-righteous life of worship, but one of selfless, Christ-filled, fully abandoned life, serving to make God known.
We were soon after placed in a closed group in Re|Engaged at Watermark. We experienced community in a way that we’ve never seen. Our leaders, Bobby and Shari shared with us that they had been through it several times before, but were going through the program with us again because they too needed to be challenged and reminded of the lessons taught in Re|Engaged. I had never been led by people that admitted they too were broken. We were able to share openly about our lives, we were able to seek Christ together and have the resources in place to guide us and point us to seeking Christ first. We had accountability. We had encouragement. We didn’t hide our struggles, but we openly faced and talked through what we were working through in our hearts. And during the process of the curriculum, Eric and I were able to forgive each other and be in “healthy soil” for our relationship to grow.
We continued meeting with Dewey Wilson of Strong Marriages as well. He point-blank called us out on being lazy in certain areas of our lives. He challenged us and encouraged us with some of the mechanics of how we run our business together, how we care for Eric’s dad and how we handle life at home. He helped us work through a plan of action in getting through a period of time where we thought that we may have to close to the doors to our company. He encouraged us by telling us that we had all our dominos falling in the wrong direction and we needed to start having them fall in the RIGHT direction.
Recently, Eric and I met with Susan Cox and Ryan Nixon at Watermark and shared our story. They encouraged us and challenged us in ways we can continue pursuing Christ and each other. They told us that we are still welcome to serve in the church — serve with Re|Engaged, which is something I felt I would never be able to do again out of fear of returning to my flesh patterns. This gave me hope.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1-4
We literally almost lost everything in the last year… Our marriage, our family, our home, our business… everything that the world considers successful. God stripped us down to nothingness, because without Him we truly have nothing.
Our kids have found community and are seeking to know God in a deeper way. Eric’s dad is not the same man we inherited a year ago. God has changed him. He recently surrendered his life to Christ and was baptized on May 1st. Eric and I are broken and need Christ and are daily seeking Him in order to manage our family and company well.
We are still on this journey. I wish I could tell you that we are all better now and our marriage is perfect, but it’s not. Eric and I still argue. I still battle with my identity in Christ and people-pleasing. I still battle wanting to put other people in front of my family. I still battle putting myself on a pedestal. I desperately need people in my life that will challenge and question my motives in accordance with scripture. I’m so incredibly thankful for community.
I’m still broken — and I never want to think that I’m fixed. I am broken… I am only complete in Christ. I want to cling to my Savior with every fiber of my being. I know it only takes a moment to sink back into my fleshly thought processes. God is so good. And He loves us so much. He uses my physical brokenness to remind me of Him.
As I press on this journey to know God and make Him known in my life, I claim this verse:
“ If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 4:11
Resources that might help you:
Strong Marriages: http://www.strongmarriages.com
Re|Engaged: http://marriagehelp.org
Re|Generation: http://www.watermark.org/dallas/ministries/regeneration-recovery