I have panic attacks… I’ve struggled with them more and more over the past few weeks. These panic attacks or anxiety attacks have literally crippled me more than my broken back. To the point that even walking into church or the mall or anywhere there are crowds, debilitates me. I’m afraid of these chest pains and I don’t know when they will strike… The sudden feeling that I am free falling from a thousand foot cliff, and someone is holding my heart and crushing it inside my chest and I can’t even catch a breath… I haven’t known how to stop them.
I know a lot of people struggle with anxiety.
I know I’m not alone.
Since I broke my back in May due to a horse accident, God literally has broken me in every way I can handle. Everything that I thought was good in my life, everything that I thought was right is no longer “right” and “good.” (Literally could write a book about everything that has occurred…)
I’ve tried pain killers, alcohol, food, exercise, quoting scripture over and over, screaming from the deepest parts of my soul, crying, massages, pedicures, hot tea, LONG walks… but nothing has helped. I have questioned if I am really a Christian… I’ve asked myself, “How can someone who professes Christ and serves Him, feel like this?” I want to store up treasures in Heaven – not on Earth, but as I sit and stop and look at myself, I see how much of this world I have allowed to creep in to my heart, my mind, and into what I do. I want to live a life of worship – when people see me, they only see Jesus.
But, you know what?
I got too busy – and I was busy doing GOOD things! Many of you who know me or watch me, have probably seen these signs… and sin has crept in.
I’ve been in control… And I’m failing.
And now God, who is so good and loves me more than I can understand, is saying, “ENOUGH CATHERINE.”
Psalm 55:22 says,
Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you.
I serve a loving God, but somewhere along the way I think that I started giving and serving and doing and missing out on Truth. I’ve been focusing on serving everyone around me, but not serving my God first — allowing Him to be my strength and my purpose. And now as I have been forced to STOP EVERYTHING due to my broken back, I FINALLY was able to see that. I am broken to the point that only He can help.
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4: 4-9
Matt Chandler often says, “Don’t despise your dark days. They are a gift. They reveal so much of your heart. They get you so much more aware of Him. Your awareness of your NEED for Him SKYROCKETS.”
I’m in some dark days… And they may get darker.
I’m needy. I like to think I’m a strong, independent woman, but I’m not. I need God in my life. I need God to lead my family. I can’t function without Him. I’m not perfect. God so quickly humbles me when I think I’m ok. I’m only a strong, independent woman when I am completely dependent on Christ. Some of you who read this may think I’m nuts, and that’s ok. Hard times come to ALL of us. No one reading this has a perfect life. And everyone has those times of complete loneliness and hopelessness. But I have hope. I have the strongest hope anyone could ever need.
“My Hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus’ blood and Righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus name. On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand.”
Jesus Christ is my Savior. Jesus Christ is my Lord. Jesus Christ is my strength.
If you don’t know what I am talking about, then just ask me. The only hope we truly have in this life, and the only way we can survive the incredible pain and burdens we all carry is through Jesus.
This song has been my theme song by Laurne Daigle.
Listen. Be blessed. Abide in Jesus.