Porn vs. Our 13 year-old

How would you respond if your 13 year-old son came home from the Christian school he was attending, and in tears confessed, “Mom, during lunch the boys look at porn on their iPads and they showed me.”

Porn. An enticing fire that burns with curiosity and embeds itself into the mind upon sight. It’s never forgotten, but leaves a spark that quickly roars with fury into a destructive fire, defeating, decaying, altering, poisoning and crippling it’s victim.

I read blogs and articles all the time of people saying the solution is to not give your child a smart phone. The reality is, your child WILL see porn at some point in their life — whether you give them a phone or not.  We live in a cell phone, technology world where pornography is accessible at the touch of a finger. We can go to great lengths to protect them from it — and by all means, YES do! But we, as parents are called to also train them on how to handle it when and before they are introduced.

Pornography is part of my husband’s story. Because he knows our son WILL face it, he has openly talked about it with our son for the past several years. He has told him how destructive it can be. Our church is also very open about discussing it. We have created an environment in our home where it’s okay to confess. We welcome it. How? By telling our kids when we mess up and asking them for forgiveness.

We don’t have a perfect family and we don’t expect our kids to be perfect. They have seen us with our sin struggles and we confess, ask forgiveness — But, our job is to prepare and warn them of things in this world.

When our son was a toddler, I used to warn him, “No, no! That’s hot! Don’t touch!” But he didn’t understand what hot meant until he actually touched something hot and it burned him. It only took once for him to make that mistake.

Pornography is the same.

When he came home from school and confessed what was happening, we asked him questions. We prayed through how to proceed with this problem. Did we need to leave him there in the “lion’s den” to learn how to stand strong and be a light for Christ? Or did we need to pull him out?

My husband went to the school and spoke with the principal. We found out that pornography is a very big problem. The students use iPads for class, the school had firewalls and all the protection they could offer… But the students found ways around it.

The kids at school did very mean things to our son since he was taking a stand. Our son had enough of the bullying and told us that he was still not ready or equipped to stand strong in his faith in that kind of environment. He said if we kept him there, then he would eventually give in.

We sought the Lord. We took a leap of faith. I stopped working. We felt the Lord leading us to homeschool, not as an escape, but as a home training ground for him to grow confident in who he is and who God is.

We started attending a discipling program at our church called Equip Disciple. Our home-base bootcamp began.  #KidsStandStronginFaith

We know our children will struggle. The Bible says in John 16:33, “in this world you will have trouble…” The Bible also says that, “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.” (1 Peter 5:8-9)

Proverbs 22:6 says we are to “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

We want our kids to know how to fight, stand, be strong in who Christ is — and who we are in Christ. Every day brings new struggles, and every day brings new successes. We are to daily pursue Christ and train harder than we did the day before. As a family, we are building endurance and perseverance through Christ, so that when temptation strikes, by God’s grace we will be ready. There will be days we lose battles, and just as it says in John 16:33, “but take courage; I have overcome the world.”

How do we help cultivate our kid’s hearts so that they will desire to stand against the “sin that so easily entangles us?”

  1. CONFESS: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9  I constantly pray that the Holy Spirit will convict us of sin and bring us to repentance. Even as parents, we openly confess sin to our kids. We want to create an environment that instills in our children that we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)

2. CULTIVATE the MIND: As Eric and I were writing this, we asked our son what is helping him most? He said scripture memory and taking every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). That’s exactly what scripture says in Psalms 119:9-16:

How can a young person stay on the path of purity?
    By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
    do not let me stray from your commands.
I have hidden your word in my heart
    that I might not sin against you…

We daily face a choice… To give in or run away from temptation. 2 Chronicles 16:9 says, “ For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.”  I pray that we all will choose to run to Christ… to seek Jesus with all our heart. (Matthew 6:33)

3. PRAYER: It is our prayer that our kids and family will not be defeated by sin, but each must make that choice individually. We can’t choose or control circumstances, we can only seek the Lord with all our heart, provide the tools and training needed to fight, and then cover all of our family in prayer.

4. ACCOUNTBILITY: Ask questions. Jonathan Pokluda wrote something that has really helped us. It’s in a post called How to Overcome a Pornography Addiction. It has GREAT questions to ask when struggling with porn.

After our son answered the questions from JP’s post, we asked him what avenues he needs us to remove and what checks and balances he needs us to instill. For him, he asked us to remove internet from his phone. We also have rules where devices are only allowed in our living room and kitchen — so that everyone can see the screen. No social media. Disabled AirDrop. No texting after a certain time. No deleting the history on our home computer. (there are consequences if the history has been cleared). We have NetNanny on all our devices…etc.

We encourage our kids to share their struggles with their community group. My husband and I check in with them and ask how their thoughts are.  We ask our son if he is looking at porn. We let them know they are not alone in their struggles. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says, “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.”

We know the struggle of sin is a lifelong battle. We know our son is going to mess up… This is only the beginning. We pray that we will steward our children well by teaching them how to STAND. (<- You seriously need to read that link).

Message to the wives: If you are married and your son is dealing with a porn struggle, then it is my firm belief that the husbands need to be the main person helping your son. Your place is to support your husband and your son. Yes, deal with this together, but don’t take it upon yourself to undermine or control the situation. (This coming from a control-freak mom). When dealing with pornography and boys, this is the husbands place first. You are to support and pray and walk with them. I believe we can actually hinder a father/son relationship if we get in the way. Moms talk with the girls. Dads with the boys.

Message to the single mom: First off, I want you to know I pray for you daily. I have walked beside so many moms raising children alone. Pornography is so hard to deal with alone. I pray that these tools will help you if this is a something you are having to go through. You’re not alone. I strongly encourage you to find a community of believers that can walk this road with you as you train up your child. May this post be useful and encouraging for you.

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